Here's to June...

Well, it was time for this month's post... so here's to June and all it's boredness, lonliness, paint, wall paper paste, lake water, and high-priced gasoline. I hope everyone else had a super month. :)

I love summer... and honey-mustard pretzels...

They aren't supposed to be carrying honey-mustard pretzels at Wal-Mart anymore... I think I'm going to boycott them. Stupid Wal-Mart. What will it be next? Harvest Cheddar SunChips??? Oh, then I'm really boycotting. Boycott is about the weirdest word I've ever seen.

Anyway, I enjoy summer... sometimes too much. What am I gonna do one of these days when I have to get up before 11? That'll be Friday, I think, because I'm pretty sure I have to have my mom to the doctor by like 7... yuck.

There's something great about looking at your transcript and realizing that you've spent 41 hours taking classes and still have a 4.0 GPA.

I hate bad smells. My room still smells like the thing that died in the wall like 2 weeks ago... one big reason I really, really want to move. My hands also reek of latex... a common occurence these days. It never seems to come off until the shower the next morning. It's almost as bad as the dead thing, which is amazingly potent on this side of the room.

I need a raise. As I was scrubbing men's toilets tonight (which are exceptionally gross), I realized that I was doing way more than $8 worth of work every hour.

Yesterday and the day before I had to work at a place in Carthage, and the guy there looks EXACTLY like Shrek! If he were green, there would be absolutely no way of telling them apart. He even walks like Shrek. I had to hold the laughter in for a while. It's so great. I'll probly be there on Mondays and Tuesdays from now on, which is going to make Hippie John very upset... Heaven forbid he actually have to stay at Sitton til 9:00 when we're scheduled... the Carthage place takes til 10. Maybe that's cuz Shrek likes to chat with Fiona on the cell phone a lot... well, okay, maybe it's just cuz the place is massive. Shrek's (whose real name is Israel) son, however, doesn't resemble an ogre at all. I actually thought he looked a little like Lucas (but not quite as cute:).

I got to see Rose and Grace for about 30 minutes today... They both got haircuts. I got one yesterday by the way... you can't really tell cuz for some reason it's still doing funny things, but oh well. Anyway, Rose was telling me all about how she is going to be Dorothy in some kind of Wild West Wizard of Oz... I'm pretty excited. She was also bubbling with news that whoever tested her IQ told her she was sure she'd make it in "Challenge," their gifted program. I guess I'm going to have to start living vicariously through her, cuz she's going to get to do all the stuff I couldn't quite cut it at. Fun stuff.

I was depressed last night to realize that I'd worked 5 hard hours for the gas I put in my car on the way home. All in all I made about $3 last night.

I apparently need another job, because there's just not that much saving going on here... once I buy gas and food, make the occasional trip to Wal-Mart (who I'm still boycotting, at least for tonight), and pay off my Compassion kids, I've pretty much gone through my $400ish a month.

I really, really need to get back to going to the Y. (There's another $20 a month.) I keep intending to go on my way home, but I always seem to either end up cleaning later or somewhere else. Tonight would have been a good night finally, but I completely forgot until I got home. Oh well. I have a 10 pound (at least) goal for the summer... we'll see how that turns out.

I really need to clean my room... I have all this spare time, but so far all I've managed is sleeping, planting flowers, reading, watching TV, and working (mostly sleeping, reading, and working). One of these days I'm going to be brave, but it'd kinda be nice if I didn't have to wear a gas mask just to put up with the smell. I'm gonna give up on this pretty soon or it's gonna make me sick. It's mostly in my closet now... another reason not to put up the clothes I wear the most. I've gone through the better part of a bottle of Febreze the last few days. My house is also full of insects, which is really starting to make me mad. We can't have an exterminator because "we'd have to pull all the stuff (crap, in my words) away from the walls." GRR. I'd do it myself. I'm so sick of things crawling along the ceilings and the floors! We'd never pass any kind of health inspection... it's a good thing we're the only ones we're serving food to. I used to be able to keep most of them out by shutting my bedroom door... only now if I leave it shut the smell just intensifies... I'm SO ready to move. My mom doesn't want to move cuz she'd have to go through everything, she says. Well? Grrr.

I saw Mr. Lundien on the news tonight... he was the guidance counselor for that kid that died. It was sad. His mom committed suicide in the garage, and the carbon monoxide went on into the house and killed him. I felt really bad for Mr. L... I know he'll take that really hard. My mom found out the other day that he's going to Webb City to be some kind of tester.

Well, okay, I'm done with this I think (mostly with the smell). I'm not sure how I sleep in here... I guess it's not as bad over there and after a while I just ignore it. Anyway, I'm done with this, and now I will have a May 2006 archive file, which would have really bugged me if it was missing. Bye.

Self-preservation...

Sometimes I wonder what makes me think the way I do... okay, so I wonder it a lot. I also wonder why my mind is most open and uninhibited at 1 am when I have to be at school by 8 the next morning, therefore causing another 4 or 5 hour night. It's a little frustrating.

So anyway, why am I the way I am? I don't know. All of this thinking (still) is brought on by trying to figure out what I need to do to be happy, yet also make enough money and have enough time... It's all pretty much pointless. I told somebody not long ago that I'd decided that living in the moment was the only thing I could do... I can't live in the past, and certainly not in the future. I think I'm beginning to see the wisdom in my own words. I can't know what's going to happen 2, 3 years from now. I don't even know what's going to happen next week, and yet I'm so concerned about figuring it out now...

I've tried to figure out what I'm so afraid of when I think about not knowing exactly what will happen and not being totally prepared for it. I don't know what it is. It's funny though, that I was once the most impulsive and spontaneous person, and now I have this crippling fear of anything going any other way than what I anticipated. Now, I can't say this applies to the small things, because I am still impulsive there, but in the big picture... I want to know right now. When I'm out of school, where will I work? What will I do? Who will I know? I so want to know all of those things so I can't screw them up now. I'm kinda living in reverse. What happens now should be what determines the future, not the other way around. So why can't I get that thru my head?

All of this, I suppose, is my method of self-preservation. I know, I really don't need to worry about that. I've never been in need of anything my whole life. It's just this nagging thought that tells me that I need to do everything I can to be prepared so that nothing can go wrong... I don't know why.

Even with all of this thought out though, I still don't know what to think. I don't know what to major in (and that's the biggest question) or anything else. They say do what you love... well, I am, but I don't want it to become what I don't love because there's so much negativity attached to it. I don't want my problems with people to worm their way between me and what I love to do. I see that starting to happen and it scares me. And the same question pops up from the back of my mind: What will you do with it? You're going to graduate with nowhere to go...

And then there's the question of what am I intended to do (that's really the first question, but I often skip over it... bad habit). This brings me back to doing what I love... why would I love it if I wasn't intended to do it? But then again, how can I use it? I just don't know. I wanna know all the answers to life's tough questions... right now. Not good, huh? I want more than anything to do something that matters. Something that gives back to others some of what I've been given. As much as I tell myself otherwise, I care about people. Sure, I'm as numb to violence, poverty, etc, as much as the next person, but occasionally things are made painfully clear to me. I don't know how or why, but once in a while... It's good though... My heart's not nearly as hard as it once was... in more than one area.

Even so, I can't make a decision. One day I think one thing is right, and the next I'll know with absolute certainty that it is wrong. I don't know what to think anymore.

Despite how this sounds, I'm oddly peaceful with my indecisiveness tonight. Sometimes it makes me really angry... tonight I'm either peaceful or apathetic... I'm choosing peaceful.

I was thinking yesterday about what I would things I would regret not trying. I could only think of one, really. So my decision as of now is to try that. It only makes sense. At least it does to me. If I hate it, then at least I will know that and not always be looking back thinking that I've missed out.

The vagueness of this post is making it all sound way more important to the rest of the world than it actually is. I'm the only one it's really this earthshaking for, but oh well. Call it a flair for the dramatic.

All in all, I'm still not sure what to think. I'm not sure I ever will be. I'm starting to wish, though, that I'd been one of those kids who always wanted to be a dentist, or doctor, or teacher, or whatever... it would just make life so much easier these days. Liberal arts can be so frustratingly useless at times... and no matter what I decide it's gonna be liberal.

I'm pretty sure my brain is overworked. It's starting to fire these random electric shocks and causing full-body twitches... weird. I'm hopin' that goes away before I'm out in public. If the bookshelf behind me was any closer I would have hit my head really hard earlier... Between this and the eye twitches I'm starting to think my brain is just evaporating. I keep telling it that it only has to last another week and a half...

Well, I haven't come to any earth-shattering conclusions... too bad, since I would really like to have things all figured out. I guess it doesn't all depend on me though. Some things aren't at all in my hands like I'd like them to be. I guess it'll all work out in the end, or come out in the wash, as my mom would say. Speaking of my mom... no. That's a whole other post. I can only discuss one issue at a time.

So long for now.

"My life is brilliant," or at least maybe someday...

I was right...

Yep... all of yesterday's resolve has evaporated. I'm still majorless... still have no real goals in life... woohoo.

I was totally in a good mood earlier. What is wrong with me now? Stupid head of mine.

Have I ever told you how much I hate verbal communication? Good. Wanna know how much more I hate it when it's a serious subject with someone I should really have serious conversations with, but never do? Good, cuz I don't want to get into it. I'll just say that avoidance is key.

This is again really not getting my philosophy paper done... I don't think I care anymore. I'm gonna have to get a lot more serious about school here in the next few weeks. I really need to bring a couple of my grades up. Math class, for instance... not great. I'm gonna have to study really hard for the next test. The last one was really good, but the one before that.... well...

I feel like I'm wastin' so much time. I don't even know what on. I just feel like things are passing me by and I don't even realize it til it's too late. I'm going to change that though.

You know what? I'm done with this. I totally didn't feel down like this a few hours ago, and I was a lot happier then. I'm done with bein' stupid... at least for tonight. Bye bye, and be happy. No, be confident. Or something.

Woohoo...

What is so wrong with big ideas, I ask you? Okay, I really just ask me, but feel free to answer.

I have these occasional ideas for a major or a career, but I always shoot them down. What is so wrong with thinking big? Maybe it's this renewed sense of being I'm finding these days, but I'm beginning to think that crazy ideas could be the best thing for me. I mean, when was the last time I went out on a limb and it turned out bad? I honestly don't know if I can say it's ever turned out bad. Well, okay, at least not something like this. Sure, I've "failed," but it hasn't killed me yet. So why not go all out?

It's all a little scary I guess, but lots of things are scary. Learning to drive a car was scary, but I needed that, so I did it. Well, I need this. I need a big idea. A change in pace. So... I'm gonna do it. (Don't ask me about this later when my resolve has dwindled, because it most likely will. Don't ask... just make me do it. I'm not even sure what "it" is yet.) I'm gonna crawl out on this limb. What's the worst that could happen? I could die, but most likely I'll just be paralyzed from the waist down. Okay, yeah, that was bad. But anyway, what's the worst that could happen? I find out I hate it and I've wasted a few years and a few thousand dollars.

So maybe I should figure out what "it" is. "It" could most likely be this crazy idea I dug up from a couple years ago. So here's the deal: I major in music (probly music ed) and minor in psychology. Once I'm all done with that, I take a little road trip to Drury, the only college in the area that offers a degree in music psychology, and I get my master's in Music Psychology. Yes, this sounds a little dull, even to me. Anytime I think about it too hard I decide that there's no way I want to major in music. I'm going to have to stop thinking. Music is the only thing I really know. I don't know math, science, computers, communication, anything like that. I can read, write, and sing, and that's about it. Anyway, while I'm taking these sweet classes at Drury, I can give lessons, teach part-time, you know... whatever time allows. I'll most likely still live at home, so I won't have a ton of bills to pay. Just tuition. Which'll kill me. Pay to go to school... who's ever heard of that?

Yeah, anyway, everytime I think about this is sounds crazier to me. I've decided though, that I'm never going to decide what I want to do. I'm just going to have to pick something and then do what it allows and make the best of whatever that turns out to be.

Tomorrow my resolve will be gone, but for tonight... big ideas it is. Woohoo...

I'm freezing...

So that doesn't make such a great title... it's entirely true though. I haven't been warm for like 3 hours. Oh well.

So I'm quickly losing my sanity. No matter what I do, I will never have these kids' respect. I don't know what I did to lose it, but they don't care a bit about what I do or ask them to do. Sorry, I'm venting. I'm just not cut out for this I guess. Not right now anyway. Sorry, it's just frustrating, and my mom doesn't help any cuz she thinks that because this is Grandma's house they should get away with everything. Like I told her Julie said Grace should go to bed pretty early cuz she was up really late last night... the kid's been grumpy for about 5 hours now, and my mom's down there feeding her ice cream or something. Grrr. She must have been different with me, cuz I never got that kind of treatment. Oh well... there's a reason I'm shut in my room.

Now that that's out of my system, at least mostly: .... I'm out of things to say. I guess I could say that Spring Break is kind of stupid, in my opinion. If you don't go on a trip, you're stuck for a week at home with absolutely nothing to do. And all it accomplishes in the end is making you want school to be out sooner. I used to not like that we were the only ones who didn't get Spring Break... now I understand. The days out are much more valuable if they're few and far between. I lived them more fully then, I guess you could say. Again... oh well.

Now she's down there playing a game with them. Grrrrrrrrrrr! I feel like everything I told them earlier is being undermined... no wonder they don't listen to a word I say.

Obviously I'm in a negative mood. I should really stop writing then, because I think the more I think about it, the worse I get.

Oh, I have to talk about the book I just finished though. It was incredibly weird. All the books this guy has written have been weird, but this one just topped them all. It's called Showdown, and as with his others, it's about the "battle" between good and evil. I can't even explain it... it's just incredibly twisted. Yeah... I'm trying to think of a way to explain it, but I just can't. It's not technically part of the series, but it ties in a lot with the Circle trilogy: Red, White, and Black. I'm pretty sure it's even more twisted than those. It's another one that will make you do some serious thinking though... I think that's why I like them. There's one coming out soon that he's writing with Frank Peretti... I can't even imagine what it's going to be like. Peretti books are just as crazy, if not more, and the two of them together... yeah.

Okay, I'll be done with that. I know, nobody has any idea what I'm talking about. It works for me that way though.

Well, I think maybe I've calmed down a bit now... maybe to the point that I don't have to be shut in here anymore... but maybe not. I really need to start on some of my homework, but I really don't want to. This is why I think Spring Break is bad... it makes me not want to do anything.

I don't know what I'm gonna do this summer. If the last few days have been any indication, I'm going to become a severely depressed couch potato. Having nothing to do is really bad for me. I would get a job, but then I couldn't get off for kids' camps and stuff. Idk... nothing really works out to where I could just randomly take weeks off at at time. So for the most part, I fear I'm going to be bored, broke, and fat. Fat because I eat when I'm bored. Oh well. I should take summer school. Nope, nevermind, can't take weeks off from that either. I think I have my priorities in the right order, but sometimes I wonder.

Well, okay, all of this is beginning to lead to more thinking, and I don't want to go there. I think I'll quit while I'm ahead... or at least not too far behind.

Killing time...

Okay, so I have no idea what this is going to be about, but I have exactly 13 minutes to kill. And I will probably stretch that to 18, since it won't take me 10 minutes to walk like, 50 yards. I just used a lot of numbers in that sentence.

Daisy let it go. My cousin just asked me to go to Florida with the Koinonia group over spring break... wonder if I could take up an offering... sorry. Somebody slap me.

But really, I'm thinking that it might not be a bad trip to go on. Apparently my dad had told Jesse, (above mentioned cousin), that I had mentioned it... I didn't even know about it. My dad doesn't have a clue. But anyway, I'm assuming it's a mission trip, because I remember hearing about it a few years ago. It might be an okay trip, and it would be the first actual "mission" trip I've been on in like 5 years. I don't know... it's something to consider. He said he'd bring me the info Wednesday.

Hmm... I still have lots of time left. I just turned in "Harry the Dirty Dog," which I located the other day using only non-verbal communication. Fun stuff. If Holly hadn't been in the library there's a good chance I would have just given up.

"Do NOT remove box from this location." Senseless sign, if you ask me. If I moved it to another location, it would simply mean not to move it from that location.

So, I wonder if my printer is going to work today. It died yesterday, because I sent a document, and before it started printing the power flashed off and back on, and the document was in cheque for the rest of the day, even after I'd turned everything off and back on. It was in the process of "Deleting" for like 8 hours, and would, of course, not print anything else until if was finished with that. Sometimes I despise modern technology.

It would stink to be a really tall person using these computers, cuz it would make the person next to you feel like you were staring at their screen the whole time. Maybe it would stink more to be next to the tall person. I don't know. I just know that I keep looking over the edge searching for inspiration to keep this post going, and people are starting to look at me funny. Wait, they did that anyway.

Hmm... I think I'm officially out of inspiration. Oh well, it's almost time to go. Bye bye.

Haha, this guy behind me just described someone as having "the emotional depth of a grapefruit." Awesome :)